why i use the "j"
Stephanie J. cork
Yesterday I was at an incredible conference. Surrounded by brilliant people, making real differences in the world. For students, for teachers, for everyone. We discussed art, politics,life but we also discussed the fact that when you use an initial in the middle of your name, you are construed as more intelligent
some sort of superior being
What a pompous thing to do, a claim to validity/reliability they don’t have
I snicker with them.
What do people really think it does? As if I’m going to trust someone just because they use a letter!
We all laugh again
How vain we all are, as academics or “experts” in our fields... but simultaneously so insecure that we desire some sense of feigned legitimacy
we’re all imposters
But who needs to add an extra letter
Just for this failed sense
of success.
...
I’d like to think I’m different,
not superior by any means
but the sense of being seen as more legitimate never occurred to me
there are other reasons
...
it started when I needed a new email address
stephaniejcork@gmail.com
it was a good break between the two parts of my name
it was simple
but there was another reason for it too
I’ve always loved my middle name
Joan
it seemed to suit me more than my first
and everyone always just called me by my last
Cork
Corky
Corkmeister
Corkinator (no I didn’t make that one up...)
Because I’ve never really been a “Stephanie”
when I see that name of think of hyper femininity
of long blonde hair
of pink lips
bright blue eyes...
I was a blonde kid... so maybe it fit
but whenever anyone hears my middle name, they agree – it suits me
but its not my name
its my grandmothers
---
Joan Ince
then Joan Cork
crotchety and always caring, loving
With a cane, then a walker, but always a glass of wine (or vodka)
My favorite grandparent
the one who made me feel as if my family made sense
even during the fighting
the separation
the divorce
She always considered my mother her daughter
even after remarriage
and the introduction of new family members
She always drove that horrid oldsmobile
and loved kids and dogs much more than adults
who she knew were foolish because they were set in their ways
She lived in this big beautiful old house
six bedrooms
always room for one more
whomever needed a place to stay
her sons
the kid down the street
a fellow employee at the flower shop
a stranger become friend
for whatever reason
practical
violent
emotional
there was always room for one more
....
She loved that house, she said the only way she’d ever leave was:
Feet First!
But that wasn’t what happened
Parkinson’s did
she slowly got weaker
was in more pain
unable to control any aspect of her life
and there was no bathroom on the first floor
so we got her the “Joan Throne”
which she was too proud to use
So then we put her in a home
Where she did an incredible job of stashing both stamps and vodka
always had a bottle of wine in the fridge, not for her
but for company
and candies
just like in the big old house
and just like our cottage
glass jars filled with jubejubes, crackers, sugar cubes and other delights
...
When she moved out each grandkid was offered one
I took 5
and gave them to people who appreciated such things
When she moved out I took everything that was offered to me
tea cups – though I don’t drink the stuff
a magazine rack
a dresser
a bed
I didn’t need these things
but I wanted them
because they were hers
and she wanted someone to have them, to use and to love
so I found people who would
love them
...
Then. She got worse
And I started to feel more possessive of the name, her name, as part of mine
Because then she wasn’t there anymore
....
I suppose I learned this from my father
who dons a similar dance to commemorate his later loss
His estranged sister, Casey
Cancer, twice
but two kids and a husband
because she made it through the first bout
She loved the yellow “LiveStrong” bracelet
Not because of Lance
because she was strong
and lived everyday that way
she was a survivor
she was brave
like all survivors
And she was buried with that bracelet
because it meant so much to her
So it means that much to him
Even with the dope
even with the cheating
Livestrong
its their message. their connection
When she was so ill she couldn’t speak, she’d raise her hand to him
in solidarity
because together, they were stronger
Lived
Stronger
...
At Joan’s funeral, I was in charge of one of the eulogies
The eldest grand daughter
I knew exactly what to say
because she had taught it to me
had asked me for it
A.A. Milne’s “Disobedience”
James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree
Took great
Care of his Mother,
Though he was only three.
James James Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he;
"You must never go down
to the end of the town,
if you don't go down with me."
James James
Morrison's Mother
Put on a golden gown.
James James Morrison's Mother
Drove to the end of the town.
James James Morrison's Mother
Said to herself, said she:
"I can get right down
to the end of the town
and be back in time for tea."
King John
Put up a notice,
"LOST or STOLEN or STRAYED!
JAMES JAMES MORRISON'S MOTHER
SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN MISLAID.
LAST SEEN
WANDERING VAGUELY:
QUITE OF HER OWN ACCORD,
SHE TRIED TO GET DOWN
TO THE END OF THE TOWN -
FORTY SHILLINGS REWARD!"
James James
Morrison Morrison
(Commonly known as Jim)
Told his
Other relations
Not to go blaming him.
James James
Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he:
"You must never go down to the end of the town
without consulting me."
James James
Morrison's mother
Hasn't been heard of since.
King John said he was sorry,
So did the Queen and Prince.
King John
(Somebody told me)
Said to a man he knew:
If people go down to the end of the town, well,
what can anyone do?"
I read it with pride
Not a tear on my cheek
no sense of regret, my voice rang out in the church
full of friends
and family
My parents said they wanted to clap
because I was so loud and clear
and that she would be proud of me
as she would be now
Stephanie Joan Cork
Better know as Stephanie J.
some sort of superior being
What a pompous thing to do, a claim to validity/reliability they don’t have
I snicker with them.
What do people really think it does? As if I’m going to trust someone just because they use a letter!
We all laugh again
How vain we all are, as academics or “experts” in our fields... but simultaneously so insecure that we desire some sense of feigned legitimacy
we’re all imposters
But who needs to add an extra letter
Just for this failed sense
of success.
...
I’d like to think I’m different,
not superior by any means
but the sense of being seen as more legitimate never occurred to me
there are other reasons
...
it started when I needed a new email address
stephaniejcork@gmail.com
it was a good break between the two parts of my name
it was simple
but there was another reason for it too
I’ve always loved my middle name
Joan
it seemed to suit me more than my first
and everyone always just called me by my last
Cork
Corky
Corkmeister
Corkinator (no I didn’t make that one up...)
Because I’ve never really been a “Stephanie”
when I see that name of think of hyper femininity
of long blonde hair
of pink lips
bright blue eyes...
I was a blonde kid... so maybe it fit
but whenever anyone hears my middle name, they agree – it suits me
but its not my name
its my grandmothers
---
Joan Ince
then Joan Cork
crotchety and always caring, loving
With a cane, then a walker, but always a glass of wine (or vodka)
My favorite grandparent
the one who made me feel as if my family made sense
even during the fighting
the separation
the divorce
She always considered my mother her daughter
even after remarriage
and the introduction of new family members
She always drove that horrid oldsmobile
and loved kids and dogs much more than adults
who she knew were foolish because they were set in their ways
She lived in this big beautiful old house
six bedrooms
always room for one more
whomever needed a place to stay
her sons
the kid down the street
a fellow employee at the flower shop
a stranger become friend
for whatever reason
practical
violent
emotional
there was always room for one more
....
She loved that house, she said the only way she’d ever leave was:
Feet First!
But that wasn’t what happened
Parkinson’s did
she slowly got weaker
was in more pain
unable to control any aspect of her life
and there was no bathroom on the first floor
so we got her the “Joan Throne”
which she was too proud to use
So then we put her in a home
Where she did an incredible job of stashing both stamps and vodka
always had a bottle of wine in the fridge, not for her
but for company
and candies
just like in the big old house
and just like our cottage
glass jars filled with jubejubes, crackers, sugar cubes and other delights
...
When she moved out each grandkid was offered one
I took 5
and gave them to people who appreciated such things
When she moved out I took everything that was offered to me
tea cups – though I don’t drink the stuff
a magazine rack
a dresser
a bed
I didn’t need these things
but I wanted them
because they were hers
and she wanted someone to have them, to use and to love
so I found people who would
love them
...
Then. She got worse
And I started to feel more possessive of the name, her name, as part of mine
Because then she wasn’t there anymore
....
I suppose I learned this from my father
who dons a similar dance to commemorate his later loss
His estranged sister, Casey
Cancer, twice
but two kids and a husband
because she made it through the first bout
She loved the yellow “LiveStrong” bracelet
Not because of Lance
because she was strong
and lived everyday that way
she was a survivor
she was brave
like all survivors
And she was buried with that bracelet
because it meant so much to her
So it means that much to him
Even with the dope
even with the cheating
Livestrong
its their message. their connection
When she was so ill she couldn’t speak, she’d raise her hand to him
in solidarity
because together, they were stronger
Lived
Stronger
...
At Joan’s funeral, I was in charge of one of the eulogies
The eldest grand daughter
I knew exactly what to say
because she had taught it to me
had asked me for it
A.A. Milne’s “Disobedience”
James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree
Took great
Care of his Mother,
Though he was only three.
James James Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he;
"You must never go down
to the end of the town,
if you don't go down with me."
James James
Morrison's Mother
Put on a golden gown.
James James Morrison's Mother
Drove to the end of the town.
James James Morrison's Mother
Said to herself, said she:
"I can get right down
to the end of the town
and be back in time for tea."
King John
Put up a notice,
"LOST or STOLEN or STRAYED!
JAMES JAMES MORRISON'S MOTHER
SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN MISLAID.
LAST SEEN
WANDERING VAGUELY:
QUITE OF HER OWN ACCORD,
SHE TRIED TO GET DOWN
TO THE END OF THE TOWN -
FORTY SHILLINGS REWARD!"
James James
Morrison Morrison
(Commonly known as Jim)
Told his
Other relations
Not to go blaming him.
James James
Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he:
"You must never go down to the end of the town
without consulting me."
James James
Morrison's mother
Hasn't been heard of since.
King John said he was sorry,
So did the Queen and Prince.
King John
(Somebody told me)
Said to a man he knew:
If people go down to the end of the town, well,
what can anyone do?"
I read it with pride
Not a tear on my cheek
no sense of regret, my voice rang out in the church
full of friends
and family
My parents said they wanted to clap
because I was so loud and clear
and that she would be proud of me
as she would be now
Stephanie Joan Cork
Better know as Stephanie J.
